SCRUBBY THE HUBBY MODE: Only the best for my Suzy 2.0

It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m feeling a little lonely. Not having much luck with my Match.com profile. Maybe I should not have put my favorite pasttime; digging up old graves in abandoned cemeteries. But I wanted to be honest about who I am. Everyone needs a hobby, right?

Anyway, I decided to go ahead and order a wife from a Japanese robot company. Her name is Suzy Yakamoto 2.0. When she arrives, I will schedule our wedding so she can carry my American name. All of you are invited to the high tech gala.

Moreover, I’m making a wedding gift list on the Home Depot website. If you can find a gold-plated oil can, then that would be most nifty. Her instructions say she glides best on traditional 30W. Only the best for Suzy, so let’s go with Quaker State. No matter how many cans of oil I get, that’s a wedding gift you won’t have to worry will be returned. I’m planning on entering my senior years with Suzy so the more 30W I can stock up on, the better. Just no cracks down the line about my being a dirty ole man. Accept it. Suzy won’t age. I, unfortunately, will. I hope she will still love me when my circuits start failing.

So back to the wedding planning. I am old-fashioned. I don’t believe in shacking up with rubber women, especially, if they are on the rebound. Rubber women don’t rebound, calmly. They are so off the wall. (A little bot humor. Just don’t share it with Suzy 2.0. That could hurt her feelings.) Additionally, I don’t believe in shacking up because sharing all of whom you are without a lifetime commitment is hurtful to us as humans created in God’s image. I just don’t know whose image Suzy is created in, though. Will she look like her creator? Hopefully not, his name is Tomeko Sinzurita.

Maybe Suzy will look like Tomeko’s mom or sister. That would be kinda sick for Tomeko. Not me, though, if they are pretty. Either way, mail order bridester, don’t give me no tom boy lady bot. I want a super model with a shapely bot. One who doesn’t need botox (sorry, another slight bot joke). I mean if I’m paying $10,000 for a new wife, she should be a looker, right?

Now $10,000 may sound expensive, but I’m just thinking about the money I will save on food, makeup, date night, and the like. I don’t want to sound cheap, but …. Dang, come to think about it, why didn’t I do this years ago?

Anyway. I just hope she really looks like her photos from the online catalog. I made a mistake once with a Ukrainian gal from a Russian dating site. She looked like Anna Kournikova online, but when she arrived at ATL, well, lets just say Mrs. Claus would have been sexier. I went straight to the Returns Desk with that one. No pass go, no collect $200 rebate.

So, here I am, waiting for Suzy Yokamoto 2.0. Her instructions say she can be programmed for dishwashing, taking care of laundry, and scruba dub dub in the bathtub. I hope that means she won’t short out in a tub full of water. Sudsy fun with my new wife, that’s the ticket. It would be horrible, though, if something happened in her scrubby the hubby mode. I can read the headlines now. NEWLY WED FRIES ON HONEYMOON: HUSBAND FAILS TO CONVERT 110V OUTLET TO 220V.

I long for you, Suzy 2.0. I really hope you’re everything I dreamed of. My friends tell me the grass is not always greener on the other side, and I should look a little longer for a real girl. I told them I can’t settle for less than perfect. I have another chance to do it right, perfect all the way, no problems like with a real woman.

Those same friends, to keep me humble, tell me I’m not so perfect. But that won’t be my problem any longer. It won’t be hers, either. After all, she will be programmed to accept me with all of my foibles, weaknesses, sins and failings. Dang. This is almost unreal. Can these gals really be programmed to live with me as a human ’til death do us part? Now that would be some super fine technology.

Speaking of grass being greener …. Suzy I love you! I have you a new home, baby.

And, by the way, sweetheart, the grass needs mowing. Don’t worry, my little love doll. I have a special engagement gift waiting for you; something from your home country.

It’s a Honda riding mower. No push mower for my new gal! No, no, no. Just go, go go!

And, it’s the latest in lawn care, 2.0.

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