The crime of yoga pants

by W.C. Liles @lilesreport
Feb. 25, 2017

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

I know what I’m about to write may be a bit controversial and even a bit meddlesome. If you melt easily, you may need to go soak in a bathtub of ice.

So, let me get to the point quickly. Then I can run to the barn and hide in a pile of hay. By the way, my barn is a NO PITCHFORK ZONE! It’s safe for cultural commentators and others with strong opinions who just can’t stay quiet about some things.

So here it is. Yoga: A good thing for the health conscious.

Yoga pants: A good thing for yoga adherents. But, in a private setting. Not for public display or mental consumption.

Now ladies, I do understand. The stretchy material of yoga pants must be quite comfy. And as a conservative Christian with libertarian tendencies, far be it from me to dictate how you dress. Sliding those things on to run down to the local Wally World or pick up the kids from school must be tempting. For the hard-working female, anything that makes life a tad easier on most occasions should be welcomed.

On the other hand, assault is still a crime. And, for most yoga pants-wearing ladies, your attire can be quite assaultive to my peaceful existence, and, particularly, to my naked eyeballs. ‘Assaultive’ is a word I confess I had to look up to verify its existence. I mean, who uses that word, but esoteric literary geniuses like myself?

Yes, I said, “Assault!” Wham bam! I was just at the Avalon, a local Atlanta area shop/live/work outdoor mall and just wanted to leisurely sip a cup of coffee. But noooooo, some middle-aged lady walks by with her haunches cinched up in lycra spandex and massively broke my train of thought. She didn’t have the modesty to wear a jersey over her hind parts or frontal crevices stuffed into this attire.

Is ‘assault’ too strong a word! I think not. To note, those without a criminal law background, you may not know that assault is usually referred to as the not touching, but still-threatened crime of pending attack or offense. Battery is the actual touching. Hence, assault and battery. So, your assault is on my eyeballs as it smatters and batters my brain. Furthermore, if you’re a bit chunky, it raises the crime from a misdemeanor assault to a fashion felony.

To go a step further, let’s break down that word ‘assault’ into its two parts; ‘ass’ and ‘ault.’ Is the picture becoming clearer?

Before you label me a perv or sexist or something else totally off base or suggest I simply turn my head, it’s only natural for a man to be drawn to the female form. That’s how the world goes ’round. Even if you look totally gorgeous in yoga pants, that still doesn’t change the issue. Shouldn’t your bod be saved for someone you care about instead of the general public? Now I’m not recommending a hijab, but don’t herjab me with all of your curves and bumps and lumps. I just want to drink my coffee in mental pacificity. (That’s another word I had to look up.)

Maybe it’s even sexist on your part to slam the eyes of the innocent amongst you with your revealing attire. Now, now. I’ll refrain from name calling.

I found a similar opinion in my deep research on yoga pants. Actually, in Wikipedia. Amanda Hallay, professor of fashion and cultural history at New York City’s LIM College maybe said it best: “Yoga pants are a step above pajamas, and we don’t wear pajamas out to lunch, and we certainly don’t wear them to work. Pajamas are for sleeping in, and ergo, not appropriate to wear in any other setting. The same can be said for yoga pants. Yoga pants are to be worn while doing yoga.” Yoga pants being worn in public can be perceived as inappropriate and unattractive, according to Hallay. To promote a more business-like or mature persona, a person should dress as such.

Now to cut you a break, if you do wear long shirts or jerseys over your yoga pants, then you have a pass from me. I know you’ve been waiting on the edge of your yoga mat for my approval. Just make sure that top attire goes down to your knees. This prevents a misdemeanor or felony assault on the eyeballs should the wind whisp your way.

Moreover, as for men who wear yoga pants, there’s not much for me to say. You have no pass, ever. You need help. And that would be psychological in nature. Allowing your dingleberry tree to be stuffed into stretchy synthetic material is a first degree fashion felony, almost bordering on a capital offense. No opportunity for a plea bargain here.

The Dingleberry Tree

Now if I didn’t care for you ladies, I wouldn’t be concerned over such an ‘earth-shattering’ issue. But as I always say, God made man first then he decided he could do better, so he made woman. At least, that’s my take on the holy scriptures. It may have had something to do with it not being good for man to be alone, also.

So, to keep it safe. My simple request from someone who cares is to please keep your yoga pants to yourself. Yoga pants are for yoga or lounging in private. And I don’t care if the artifacts from early yoga history show half naked men and women doing their yoga stretchy thing. The early founders aren’t here any longer. And that was 5,000 years ago, anyway.

I conclude with this: to be totally honest, as you probably suspect ladies, men are pervs to one degree or another. Your tight attire can flip us into the search mode. Why play on our perviness?

So, join me everybody, and let us all fight for the liberation of the mind, spirit, and eyeballs. Let us come together as one and join the Camel Toe La Résistance!

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